We have all heard of virginity, though it’s less about something tangible we can see and more about an idea society has constructed to police women’s bodies. Patriarchy has viewed virginity as a symbol of purity and, even worse, as a family honor carried on a woman’s shoulders. In many cultures, a woman’s value is tied to her virginity at the time of marriage, often marked by rituals that glorify her pain rather than her choices and pleasure.
Choosing to wait is valid when it’s about self-discovery, understanding your body, and pursuing your dreams. That’s empowering. However, when virginity is reserved solely ‘for a husband’, it becomes about men’s expectations, not women’s agency. Feminists identify this as a patriarchal trap: women’s sexuality being judged not by their joy or autonomy, but by men’s approval and desire. In some cultures, it is taken so seriously that when a girl gets married as a virgin, the entire community or selected members have to witness the event, often expecting blood as a sign of purity instead of acknowledging the pain. Many women may not describe their first time as awesome, and it’s not something most women think about.
Before anyone attacks me, girls and women have the right and choice to do what is best for their bodies. I admire when I hear girls say, “I’m waiting because I want to achieve my dreams, understand myself better, and clarify my future.” However, when a girl says, “I’m saving myself for my husband”, my response is usually, “Okay, and then what?” The expectations begin, focusing on how he will respect her or treat her differently. To me, unless the decision to wait completely decenters men, we need to have a conversation because it shifts the focus away from her to what society has labeled as men’s desire.
Then there’s body counting. Society starts keeping track of how many sexual partners a woman has had not out of concern, but to shame, judge, and even justify violence. A woman with a ‘high count’ is devalued, while men with many partners are praised. This is hypocritical: women’s sexuality is scrutinized, while men’s is celebrated.
Body count is more than just gossip; it’s a weapon. It reduces women to numbers, strips away their dignity, and makes them more vulnerable to abuse. Even sex workers, who already face stigma, are treated as disposable, assaulted, and denied justice because their bodies are seen as ‘public property’.
Interestingly, body count takes a different turn when it comes to men. It’s not linked to their worth, morality, respectability, or marriageability. It’s praised and considered natural. The term is often used to police women’s sexuality, turning a beautiful experience like sexual intimacy into something to be tallied and monitored. Women’s bodies and sexuality are politicized, weaponized to judge their character, existence, and freedom.
The system doesn’t truly care about virginity either. If it did, it wouldn’t allow girls as young as fourteen to be forced into what we call marriage, but is actually legalized child molestation. We turn a blind eye when children are subjected to repeated rape in the name of marriage. So, in reality, we don’t truly care about virginity; we only care when women choose to defy societal expectations and act according to their own will. We dislike it when women enjoy experiences and hold themselves accountable. We despise it even more when women demand payment for their services or simply want to have an experience without judgment. We turn it into a mathematical project and start counting. When we see women not concerned about the numbers, we insult them, resort to religious scriptures, and moral discussions to silence them.
Dear women, the next time someone asks for your number, remember that you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Better yet, change the narrative: make the number higher, lower, or refuse to disclose it at all. Or even ask him if he has enough cash to buy the counts. True freedom begins when the counting stops. You own your body, your pleasure, your choices, and no one else has the right to measure that. The moral of this long story? Reclaim your power. You are the owner of your body, the host of your body, and the only one who knows how to care for and preserve it.
this is a brbrilliant and empowering article for women. it challenges the societal expectations on girls and hands them responsibility and accountability for their bodies. Society has created a dichotomy and a myth of female virgins as good girls and female sexual desire as an aberration. so girls are either virgins and pure or prostitutes. nothing in between. sexual desire is not the monopoly of men who are praised for promiscuity while women are insulted. let’s keep challenging these odious misconceptions
A good article. I have encountered this in academic literature. It is referred to as sexual double standard.
Hii sasa imefika mpaka Ulaya na US siku hizi vijana wa kiume kabla ya kuoa wanaangalia, if their partner has a lot of mileage….