Our WhatsApp deliberations on Kato are still on going. We are divided among those who think he is worth a try and those who see red flags. But, in the process, we have come to realize we can’t be that demanding on the married men while we ourselves don’t know how to conduct our business. As Luke 6: 41-42 states, we have the responsibility to reflect on our own lives and realities of being with married men. Although we don’t have a consensus on how definite the code is, some key issues have emerged from our debates.

1. Hierarchy between the Wife and the Side Chick. In some cases, these men leave us to go and marry ‘wife material’ and return to us because they come to realise, we add value to their lives. Other men we meet after they have been married for a while. In whatever circumstance the relationship starts, most of us agree the wife is higher in status than we are. She is the legally and socially recognized significant other of our man. Therefore, her position should be respected at all times. To achieve that, we think, as side chicks, we should, at times, be discreet. In case you are caught red-handed, avoid drama, it would make us all look like Jezebels. If a man confides in you about his ups and downs in his marriage, give an honest response. Besides, married or not, we are all sisters, and, for the sake of sisterhood, we should stand for each other, including if you learn that the man is being abusive to his wife, physically or psychologically.

2. Occupation. Many a time our men are highly educated than us and earn more than we do. Of course, there are rare cases where it is the side chick that is on the higher end. We know this gender imbalance is a product of imperialism, capitalism, and colonialism, which have ruled the world for close to half a millennium. Recent history shows that calamities, such as the devastating AIDS’ pandemic and impoverishing neoliberal reforms, have robed many married women and their children of financial and social status they got from depending on men as bread winners. So, even when he can provide for you with ‘everything’, as a woman you should be striving to have a career and excelling at it. Do not wait for chances, but create opportunities to grow by taking short courses, evening classes or, even more accessible now, online studies. Remember we are not competing against our men, but we are struggling alongside them to provide social and financial stabilities for our families and communities that the international communities, government, and political parties promise, but hardly deliver.

3. Hobbies. Oh dear, a married man is not a hobby. He shouldn’t be the only one occupying your mind and time besides your daily work and social responsibilities. Many side chicks in the group disagree with the idea of homecrafts because it seems archaic and targeted the typical 20th century Euro-American housewife. But we all agree that it is important to have activities that give you fulfillment and excitement without the anxiety of them being sexual in nature or the encumbering feel of financial gains. Activities such as herbal gardening (it is the in thing now), crocheting, knitting, baking, or sewing can give you something to always look forward to whether our men stay, leave or, God forbid, die. Our sisters who disagree with homecraft have suggested activities, such as registering for gym membership, dance classes or outdoor sports. Girl, with a job or school and hobbies, married men know you are busy, and they learn that our time is precious too.

4. Sharing Skills. Some of these men approach us as if they are saving us from loneliness, financial distress or even childlessness. To be fair, every side chick has her story. So does a married man. Anyway, don’t be that woman who needs a man to change a light bulb or even a LED light; it’s on YouTube doh! Let him share life skills you may not have and show him what you got. Wouldn’t it be nice if you painted a room together? We believe if you help him learn a thing or two about hair and skincare, his wife will be thankful. In case the wife asks, he can easily say natural hair and skincare is all his women colleagues talk about these days; and he decided to look these things up on YouTube. The point is, chances are, you would not grow old together, but at least you helped each other grow.

5. Don’t be Nice be Real: When we attend kitchen parties for our ‘lucky’ bride-to-be, friends and family members – the aunties, the godmother, the MC – all of them plead with the bride-to-be to be nice to her husband. The warning is simple, if she doesn’t hold him properly like the fragile object that he is, other women would snatch him and care for him like a baby. Being rude is not good to anyone let alone a married man who might have something to lose if your relationship comes to light. But being nice, like a stereotypical blonde character in a black and white movie, could cost you your wellbeing, especially your mental health. So, let the man knows from the word go that, if his wife is a reality, so are you. While he should fulfill you sexually, you are not a porn character from a video game. Don’t bottle up your frustrations with his behaviors in fear of being called an angry feminist. If he thinks your belly distorts your body shape, encourage him to buy a mannequin online; they come in colors and sizes these days. Except for the pregnant mannequin, they all have flat bellies. And please, you can’t be always dolled up like you are about to go to a cocktail party every time you are with him, it would make you look desperate. In case you become an accumulation of criticisms, don’t you dare kiss him goodbye, text #boybye, the end.

6. Seek Spiritual Growth: We now have such a thing as an online personality alongside our public images in the community. Darling, be kind to yourself. Don’t burden yourself with the guilt of being with a married man. Unless, of course, you are a walking dead or a goddess, everyone has their contradictions in life. Do the needful to keep feeling worthy, whether it is through prayers, fasting or meditation. And, in those sessions of reflections, be truthful to yourself – Is he worth the risk?

Note: We know you are not abstaining. If you can, be faithful. And, always, use a contraceptive that works best for you.