Valentine’s Day – A Perfect Litmus Test for Men’s Selfishness
Mwanahamisi ‘Mishy’ Singano
It’s Valentine’s Day! A celebration of Love and Romance. So, Happy Valentine’s Day, Ladies and Gentlemen!
Honestly, I did not intend to write this today. I planned to use my Valentine’s day to enjoy me, myself, and I. But conversations with women and men made it irresistible not to write.
Today is one of those days where some women will be very happy. Some will be unsure of how they feel in terms of whether they are loved and appreciated enough. But many will be holding their hearts with intense pain.
Yes, I am specifically talking about women because it seems to me that men, mostly African men, held a conference and agreed that Valentine’s Day is not really for them. We know that women are affectionate, emotional, loving and tender. Often these traits get praised when women use them to keep up with men’s insensitivities, coldness, and all other ‘BS’. But when a woman goes out of her way to demand the expression of affection and love, the patriarchal clan gangs against her.
It amazes me how men casually throw the excuse that Valentine’s Day is “not my thing”, it is “not African” or it is “unreligious”. Why should it be ‘your thing’ for you to do it? Isn’t love a sacrifice for the happiness of others among other things? How could buying your loved one a gift or taking her to a romantic evening not your thing?
Who are you? A man from Pluto? (Ohh yes, I’m totally in for that, we are all prostitutes remember?). Actually one of them (men) told me, “I don’t need a day to celebrate my love for her, I love her everyday!” Honestly, I looked at him and wondered how his logic work. If he loves her every day, why not today? Why insulting our intelligence? A man who loves and spoils his wife or partner on a daily base won’t hesitate to go overboard with an extra doze on Valentine’s day. And the reverse is also true.
Of course, most of the couples celebrating Valentine’s Day are middle class. Men in these relationships know why such a special day is important in keeping let alone rekindling the flame.These are men who have been exposed, economically stable and often claims to be progressive. But does this make them colonial and not African enough? In the case of religion, does it make them barbaric? After all, wasn’t Saint Valentine religious?
Speaking of the un-Africanism of Valentine’s Day, could someone tell me, when did Africans (men and women) meet and agree that Love and Romance is not for them? Wasn’t it a part of the coastal culture in East Africa for men to spoil their wives with unlimited gifts and citations of romantic poems, indulging them with tenderness every now and then? Why, then, do our men often hide under the guise of the “externality of modern romance” while they could bravely tell us to our faces that:
“I am an African man. I have been groomed to be selfish, I have been nurtured to take care of me and my feelings alone; and, most importantly, I embrace the patriarchal idea that a typical man should be mechanical as romance is only for the weak. I own you and, because you are my property, I am in no business to entertain your emotions and feed your desire for attention and affection!”
This naked truth will not only serve men from lying and dealing with nagging wives and partners who can’t kind of accept that they are not pampered, cared, and appreciated as they should. Such truth will, in so many ways, wake up women to start the journey of self-appreciation and self-love. When women finally gets it, like I did, we will all know the complexity of the system of oppression. Yes, all of us will appreciate the sophistication of patriarchy and its associated patriarchal culture, especially in terms of how self-sustaining it is.
When women truly know this truth, we will look at our male partners on a day like this and see the full display of patriarchal oppression. This should be enough to give us the anger we need to fight the system of patriarchy so that our daughters won’t need to beg for someone’s affection and love to feel whole.
For those in tears today;
Join the movement.
We should all be Feminists!
