Content Warning: Domestic Violence
By Ava (@La_Femme_Nista)
I cried night and day
I prayed
To the holy trinity
I cried when you lied
You broke
Our sacred agreement
I cried when you cheated
I tried to leave
You threatened self harm
I cried when you hit me
I begged you
To end my misery
I cried when you were arrested
I feared
You would be deported
Confused, I cried
When you kicked me out
I swallowed my pride
As I tried to move on
Still confused, I cried
When you begged me to return
You promised
“This time would be different”
Of course, I cried
When you got on your knees
I was thrilled
When you put a ring on it
I prayed through my tears
As the abuse escalated
I pleaded
For your redemption
Respect!
Was your rallying cry
Citing religion
And the patriarchy
Pride,
Was my cardinal sin
Daring to reject,
Defy and confront
Your narcissistic abusive
Misogynistic ways
Every kick, every strike
Every shove, every strangle
Infinitely tattooed, as
Battle scars on my melanin
Badges of your dishonor,
Disrespect and disdain
Faith,
Was my Achilles heel
Faith in “love conquers all”
Faith in “good over evil”
Faith in “the higher power”
Striking down your wicked ways
Each lie and deception
Each demand and humiliation
Carefully, masterfully
Hacking into my subconscious
Redirecting my mental compass
Dismantling my reality
Lost,
I searched for clarity
Realizing my mistake
Trusting in the divine
Following my heart
Instead of my head
Every low, every high
Every thrill, every fight
Day after night
Spinning me around
The emotional rollercoaster
Leaving me dizzied, and drained
Betrayed,
Was how I felt
When I discovered
Your secret children
I wailed like a widow
In complete desolation
Every sob, every howl
Every weep, every squeal
Remain indelibly
Sculpted around my eyes
Buried in my nightmares
Embedded in my invisible wounds
Yet,
All the tears combined
Could never extinguish
The fire you ignited
Deep inside my veins
When you alienated, our child
Every call, every text
Every email, every chat
A catalogue of your mind games,
Love bombing and neglect
Promises with no commitments,
Forgotten birthdays and school events
Finally,
With a ruptured heart
A crushed spirit
And a fractured self
I swallowed all my tears
Accepted defeat
Indeed,
I lost all my battles
Dethroned of my dignity
Stripped of my humanity
My soul, banished
Into perpetual torment
Rather than perish,
I was baptized by fire
My pride, renewed
My spirit, redeemed
My heart, recovered
My sanity, reclaimed
My dignity, restored
My truth, vindicated
Unrepentant,
You resurfaced
Like a cancer
Reopening old wounds
Pursuing me to be your lover,
While demanding my respect?
“Twas a long time ago”, you said
“You should forgive and forget”
Seriously?
How could I forget
How could you forget
All the times you lied and cheated
All the times you chastised me
Did you really,
Expect me to cosign
Your lies and deceit
So others may suffer
Just like I did?
No, seriously!
How could I forget
How could you forget
All the times I cried and pleaded
All the chances I gave you
Did you really,
Expect me to forget
How you alienated
Our child,
Or how, you almost killed me?
Suddenly,
I was too numb
To shed any more tears
Not for you, anyway
Why did I ever waste
So many years on you?
All my tears on you?
Mr. ‘Show Me Respect’
When did you EVER,
Show ME respect?
After all the tears I cried,
Years of your beatings,
Cheating and lies
It finally dawned on me
You never truly saw me
Not my precious tears
You never truly heard me
Not my desperate cries
You never truly cared
Not for me, not for our child
Hallelujah!
My soul,
Resurrected
Like a volcano
The rage steaming
Through my veins
Like red hot lava
Melting my pain away
At long last!
I made a vow
To never shed
A single teardrop
For you,
Ever again.
YOU
Are not worthy
Of My Precious,
Diamond Tears.
For JaDy,
With LoveIn solidarity with victims and survivors of all forms of gender-based violence.
The 16 Days of Activism against Gender-Based Violence is an annual international campaign that kicks off on 25 November, The International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women, and runs until 10 December, Human Rights Day.
2021 marks the 30th anniversary of the Global 16 Days Campaign.
For more information visit:
From Awareness to Accountability | Global 16 Days Campaign
Below is an extensive list of helplines, crisis lines, and suicide hotlines from all around the world:
Engaging men and boys to end GBV in Tanzania:
Men and Boys Must Take Action to End Gender-Based Violence – Sonke Gender Justice
In some countries, domestic violence is still legal:
WHO – Domestic violence is a public health issue:
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women
Comments are closed.
The tears we cry are truly Diamond
Spread the word and let’s end any form of violence against women
Indeed, our tears are diamonds and we should treat them as such. Thank you so much for your support. Our daughters and sons need to know what we experienced so they can do better. We need to raise our sons to treat girls and women with the respect they deserve and it starts with breaking the silence. The more we talk about it, the closer we get to ending violence against women. The silence is killing us slowly and in some cases, it’s fatal.
❤️❤️ thank you for sharing this. Domestic violence should never be okay.
Thank you, Malaika 💜💜
Sharing our stories can help us heal and may encourage others to do the same.
This is deep. Thank you for finally opening up, and sharing your truth. I am beyond words. What you endured, nobody should ever have to. I hope your story (througj this beautiful poem) gets to empower many survivals and strengthen them to stay away from abusive relationships. Lastly, I celebrate the higher power, almighty who continues to watch over you.
Thank you for your encouragement and support through out my journey.
I sure hope others can learn from my experience, not only women some of whom are still being victimized by this abusive man, but also men who want to support victims of domestic abuse and other types of violence towards women. I hope people can learn these lessons:
– As bad as physical abuse is, psychological abuse is worse. Often, it takes form before physical abuse begins and lasts long after physical abuse/relationship has ended. That’s one of the reasons it takes on average seven (7) times for a victim to finally leave the abuser.
– Abuse doesn’t end after separation, especially when children are involved. Psychological and financial abuse can last for years after separation, as it has been in my situation.
– The justice system often fails victims of abuse especially when it’s psychological. Many victims don’t even realize they’re in psychologically abusive relationships. Imagine some of R. Kelly’s victims stand by him to this day. That’s how powerful psychological abuse is.
In Tanzanian culture, abuse is often accepted or dismissed as part of religious beliefs/African traditions, especially when it’s psychological. That must end.
Thank you for sharing. May your message inspire others so that more voices of courage can be heard, hopefully the more, the louder, the more hope.
Thank you for your support. It may be too late for my generation and those who came before me to speak up, but hopefully we can pass on the life lessons to our children and their children so we can end the stigma of silence around all types of violence against women. Most Tanzanians including some feminists don’t feel comfortable talking about their personal experience with gender-based violence even though data shows most women have experience with gender-based violence, or knows someone who has. They maintain the silence even when given a chance to do speak up-calling abuse-“matatizo ya kifamilia”. I’m breaking that silence and hope others can do the same without fear, shame or guilt.